The Advice from A Parent Which Saved Us during my time as a First-Time Father

"I believe I was just just surviving for a year."

Former reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey expected to handle the demands of fatherhood.

But the actual experience rapidly became "utterly different" to what he'd imagined.

Life-threatening health complications surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise admitted to hospital. All of a sudden he was pushed into acting as her main carer while also taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I took on all the nights, each diaper… every walk. The duty of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

Following eleven months he became exhausted. It was a talk with his parent, on a public seat, that made him realise he couldn't do it alone.

The direct words "You're not in a healthy space. You need some help. In what way can I assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and find a way back.

His story is commonplace, but infrequently talked about. Although society is now more accustomed to addressing the stress on mothers and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the challenges new fathers face.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan believes his difficulties are part of a larger failure to open up among men, who still absorb harmful ideas of masculinity.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and doesn't fall every time."

"It isn't a show of being weak to seek help. I failed to do that fast enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert focusing on mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to accept they're struggling.

They can believe they are "not justified to be seeking help" - most notably ahead of a new mother and infant - but she stresses their mental well-being is just as important to the family.

Ryan's conversation with his dad offered him the space to take a respite - going on a couple of days overseas, outside of the family home, to get a fresh outlook.

He came to see he had to make a change to pay attention to his and his partner's emotions alongside the logistical chores of looking after a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she was yearning" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

'Parenting yourself

That realisation has changed how Ryan sees being a dad.

He's now writing Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he aspires his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan thinks these will enable his son to better grasp the expression of feelings and make sense of his parenting choices.

The idea of "reparenting" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen lacked stable male a father figure. Despite having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences resulted in his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says bottling up feelings caused him to make "bad actions" when he was younger to alter how he felt, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as a way out from the pain.

"You gravitate to things that don't help," he explains. "They may temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Coping as a New Father

• Talk to someone - if you feel overwhelmed, confide in a friend, your partner or a therapist about your state of mind. This can to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the pursuits that allowed you to feel like the person you were before having a baby. It could be playing sport, seeing friends or gaming.
• Look after the physical health - a good diet, physical activity and where possible, resting, all are important in how your mental state is coping.
• Meet other first-time fathers - hearing about their stories, the difficult parts, along with the joys, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Know that seeking help does not mean you've failed - prioritising yourself is the best way you can care for your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally struggled to accept the passing, having not spoken to him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead offer the safety and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - processing the feelings constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men due to the fact that they faced their issues, altered how they communicate, and learned to manage themselves for their kids.

"I have improved at… dealing with things and managing things," says Stephen.

"I expressed that in a note to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I wrote, on occasion I think my job is to guide and direct you what to do, but in reality, it's a dialogue. I am discovering an equal amount as you are in this journey."