I Thought Myself to Be a Homosexual Woman - The Music Icon Helped Me Uncover the Reality

Back in 2011, a few years prior to the celebrated David Bowie show launched at the famous Victoria and Albert Museum in London, I declared myself a gay woman. Previously, I had exclusively dated men, one of whom I had married. By 2013, I found myself nearing forty-five, a newly single parent to four children, residing in the United States.

During this period, I had started questioning both my sense of self and sexual orientation, seeking out answers.

I entered the world in England during the dawn of the seventies era - before the internet. During our youth, my friends and I were without online forums or video sharing sites to reference when we had inquiries regarding sexuality; instead, we looked to music icons, and in that decade, artists were playing with gender norms.

The iconic vocalist wore male clothing, The flamboyant singer wore women's fashion, and pop groups such as Erasure and Bronski Beat featured performers who were proudly homosexual.

I desired his narrow hips and defined hairstyle, his strong features and masculine torso. I wanted to embody the Bowie's Berlin period

During the nineties, I lived driving a bike and dressing like a tomboy, but I reverted back to femininity when I decided to wed. My spouse moved our family to the America in 2007, but when the union collapsed I felt an powerful draw back towards the manhood I had previously abandoned.

Since nobody experimented with identity to the extent of David Bowie, I chose to use some leisure time during a seasonal visit returning to England at the museum, with the expectation that perhaps he could guide my understanding.

I lacked clarity specifically what I was looking for when I walked into the exhibition - perhaps I hoped that by immersing myself in the extravagance of Bowie's identity exploration, I might, in turn, encounter a clue to my true nature.

I soon found myself positioned before a modest display where the music video for "Boys Keep Swinging" was continuously looping. Bowie was strutting his stuff in the primary position, looking sharp in a dark grey suit, while positioned laterally three backing singers in feminine attire crowded round a microphone.

Differing from the entertainers I had seen personally, these female-presenting individuals failed to move around the stage with the self-assurance of inherent stars; instead they looked bored and annoyed. Relegated to the background, they chewed gum and expressed annoyance at the tedium of it all.

"Those words, boys always work it out," Bowie performed brightly, apparently oblivious to their diminished energy. I felt a fleeting feeling of empathy for the backing singers, with their heavy makeup, uncomfortable wigs and restrictive outfits.

They appeared to feel as uncomfortable as I did in female clothing - irritated and impatient, as if they were longing for it all to conclude. At the moment when I understood I connected with three individuals presenting as female, one of them tore off her wig, smeared the lipstick from her face, and unveiled herself as ... Bowie! Shocker. (Naturally, there were further David Bowies as well.)

In that instant, I became completely convinced that I wanted to rip it all off and become Bowie too. I craved his lean physique and his precise cut, his angular jaw and his male chest; I sought to become the slender-shaped, artist's Berlin phase. Nevertheless I found myself incapable, because to authentically transform into Bowie, first I would have to become a man.

Declaring myself as queer was one thing, but transitioning was a considerably more daunting outlook.

It took me additional years before I was prepared. Meanwhile, I tried my hardest to become more masculine: I stopped wearing makeup and discarded all my feminine garments, cut off my hair and started wearing men's clothes.

I sat differently, changed my stride, and changed my name and pronouns, but I halted before surgical procedures - the chance of refusal and second thoughts had rendered me immobile with anxiety.

After the David Bowie show concluded its international run with a engagement in the American metropolis, following that period, I revisited. I had experienced a turning point. I found it impossible to maintain the facade to be something I was not.

Facing the familiar clip in 2018, I was absolutely sure that the challenge didn't involve my attire, it was my biological self. I wasn't a masculine woman; I was a male with feminine qualities who'd been wearing drag since birth. I wanted to transform myself into the individual in the stylish outfit, dancing in the spotlight, and now I realized that I could.

I made arrangements to see a physician shortly afterwards. The process required another few years before my transition was complete, but none of the things I feared occurred.

I continue to possess many of my traditional womanly traits, so others regularly misinterpret me for a gay man, but I'm OK with that. I sought the ability to experiment with identity following Bowie's example - and now that I'm comfortable in my body, I am able to.